Fancy

I used to work in a very fancy restaurant that was oftentimes rented out to fancy people for fancy parties. The other servers and I, while we passed out drinks and appetizers, realized that no one ever listened to what we said when we presented said drinks and apps. So, we started to change what we said to the fancy customers. Instead of “Pinot Grigio”, it was “Penis Grigio.” And instead of offering these meatballs that had a fancy name, I just walked around and said, “Balls? Balls? Balls?”, while I carried the tray of food. We changed other names, but I can’t remember them. I was drunk off of Penis Grigio for most of those fancy parties. Out of the thousands of people we served for those fancy parties, only ONE man noticed that I kept offering him balls. He smiled and winked at me. I want to find him and kiss him on his forehead. He is the only fancy person who heard what I said in the 2 fancy years I worked at that fancy restaurant.

#3, it all happened so fast.

I finally got my game show money last night. It was in the mail, like it was nothing special. Just an envelope hangin’ out with all the other envelopes. No one was home, so I took about 10 pics of it, and then about 5 pics of me and the check. Then I called my mom. She freaked out and wanted to know if I called the bank to let them know it was coming. “Ma, this isn’t like olden days where I have a personal relationship with my teller.” I call my mom "ma" when she frustrates me. I was sad that I was alone, I wanted to make a speech or something, and thank all of the people in my life who’ve helped me thus far in achieving my…um…game show dreams??? On the way to the ATM, I sang the theme song from “Me and My Girl”, but changed the words to, “Me and My Check.” Then I went home, did my laundry, and went to bed.

“And we’ll have love, laughter, be happy ever after. Me (tap solo) and my check.” (applause, curtain.)